now is the winter of my... winter

(van gogh's 'sleeping workers', i believe it's titled)


it snowed today. two days later than it should have come, it snows. too late to the party, my friend. we needed you here to assist with the picaresque.

i am tired.
my stomach hurts.

both for reasons one wouldn't expect. but then, expecting anything is an easy way to be wrong. everything is so wonderfully unpredictable. perhaps that is why we create pattern and structure: we can swim in the current of madness when we choose, but retreat to the riverbank when we need solace.

right now i need the riverbank. 2 months of school/driving/winter is a not wholly enjoyable promise, and after being innebriated for 4 days, tired for 3 days, talking non-stop for a week, i need to recharge.

i would like to continue with my children's novel. i'm meeting an agent about it next week. I gave her a soft pitch and it seems she's taken the bait. we'll see.

christmas was lovely. my family are incredible people. so interesting, so kind, so funny. i have video to prove it. perhaps i'll post it. such a cacauphony of joyous noises!

if i get inspired, i'll add the video to this post later.

i hope you are all enjoying some type of pleasure, leisure, or indulgence.

I am consumed by the events of my days, and therefore can only document that which has been happening to me.

of note, i have been so acutely aware of my abilities both social and intellectual, but only because there is such a strong deficit of those abilities among many of my peers in the world of workers. i don't mean this to be as arrogant as it sounds. i know that when one makes horrendous and massive generalizations, it is cruel, crass, pointless, and often a sign of limited thinking. forgive the egregious error. when i want to vent, i come in here and write to you, dear forgiving reader.

you must trust me when i tell you that i am not writing that in order to inflate my sense of self, my pride, my arrogance, ego or anything else i already have enough of. i mean to say, the majority of people who end up entering the world are, at this stage of their professional life, not interested in intellectualized, rational, or logical discussion. they prefer to think with their guts. their ignorant, small town, small minded, close minded, guts.

they react, they espouse the ethos of the moral majority, a morality one can pick up from the cover of any people magazine, from listening to any jerry springer-esque talk show. they grandstand on the ignorance of their fellow US magazine readers, denounce the 'too skinny', the 'too fat', the 'too pretty', the 'too smart', think of themselves as highly intelligent because they know that advertising is very misleading... and these are to be the majority of my peers. there is nothing worse than a fool who thinks himself wise. i am fine with it existing, but i am not fine with having to witness the fools showing up to gunfights with dull glass. every time i pull a gun, they laugh and think i intend on throwing it at them.

this is true.

i often feel sad. imagine you're a general in the queen's army, standing behind your men. on the other side of your men stand an army of natives, ready to attack. none of them has seen a gun. despite you telling them that they will be hurt, they do not know what a gun is. without the knowledge, they run blind at you, confident in their ignorance. you sadly have to hurt them. you pity their ignorance. you think of their families, their lives, their tragic confidence....

FIRE!!!!!

only, in my world, the rules are different, and, if you don't know what a bullet is, it can't hurt you. if you don't know what a bullet is supposed to do, it won't do it. it's beautiful for them. i want to live there too. it seems so much easier.

BUT

enough about that, however. every time i consider it for too long i end up getting depressed. the long term ramifications are too serious and tragic, both for me and for our species, and so i must turn to the small, the micro, focus on the minutiae of my motivations.

and that is, mainly, to have a house, a known income, to change the world, have kids, write novels, and love. that is all. simply that. to love, laugh, summer, fun, life, walk run bike jump fly, snow walk, think, talk, food food food, drunk run, giggle, dream, watch listen, swim, and make myself remember that everything is a grand cosmic joke, and the more serious I take it the more funny it becomes to the deities. it's all for fun. i'm all for fun. i just forget sometimes. this place, this silly little blog, redirects me into myself where i r.e.m.e.m.b.e.r.