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My father's ashes were spread out here.
Here lies my father.
Here lies many of our fathers.

Thinking about my nothingness gives me great comfort. How can there be stress in the world when we know we end up here? That we are all simply molecules, gifted for a brief time with unity, and destined to seed the oceans and skies and earth until the sun implodes.





that photo, from 1929, has the house i was to inhabit 44 years after it was taken. i was brought home to that spot.

here it is now, slightly different, after i have lived here:






there is no sign.
no record.
no proof.
i came, left.
left my father.
like his father was left in england.
like your father's father was left.

there is no record.
there is no proof.

EXCEPT that which we have right now, onto which we blast ourselves every day, shadows, onto other people, other lives, connecting ourselves through history. we are one people, striving towards a commonality, from a commonality. we are god.

the ecosystem is humanity.
the corpus is memory.
we are socialized towards individualism in the west.
we lose our purpose.
get lost on our way to the ocean.

damn.

I haven't posted in two weeks. sorry, faithful reader, but i have no time. Although it's 8 o'clock at night, i am still working. I work straight through every day, from the time i wake up, until the time i retire.

it's more than stressful, but i'm on this train and i goddamn well intend on finishing it.

i did play basketball last night, and got caught up in the beauty of feeling like i didn't have to be anywhere. i had so much worked piled up that being behind a little doesn't feel like a problem. so i stayed until 9:30. it was heaven. I have missed many many nights of basketball since school started. I generally only play one night a week (plus sundays), and even then, i leave early. but last night, i revelled in the chain that binds my leg, i laughed at it, sneered at it, jeered and cheered and leered at it, and pretended that it had had its day.

of course i'm paying for it now. being here. tied to the computer. tomorrow the cycle renews.

but in that two and a half hour of glory, i was free, and i knew it. icarus, back arched to the sun!

those moments are worth these moments.

merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.

i spend my saturday's catching up on my week, and getting a jump on the next.
my dear friend hinto called today to see if i had time, an hour, to have tea and discuss all of his newfound knowledge after a brief west coast sojourn, but i could not even answer the phone.

here's a typical day: woke at 6:30. to the school i teach at for 8:20. home by 5 - 5:30. work until 10:30. floss teeth. prep food for tomorrow. brush teeth. lay in bed with gal for 15 brief minutes and discuss the day. kiss. sleep. repeat.

who knew teacher's college was this laborious? clearly not me. to those who answered yes to that question, i can only say, "why didn't you warn me, you bastard!".

just kidding.

the students are incredible. i love them. i love that they exist. i love that you exist too.

and a happy birthday to my gal, and to Joel, and to Hinto, and to Cindy, and... who am i missing? Half the people i know are Libra's. and I love them all too.

i wake at 6 am, carpool with 2 classmates who live nearby, and spend 3 of 5 days a week on campus, in class, full time in Hamilton (the other two days i am at a school working/observing/teaching). we go as a group from class to class to class. classes start at 8 am. classes end at 4:30 pm.

during that time, we are focused, listening, participating, actively engaged. it's quite exhausting. there is so much work to do that for the first 2 weeks i gave up. people were dropping out, i was ignoring assignments that were due. it was hell. hell.

my lovely gal sat me down and had me plan out in Outlook, every single thing due, chapter needing reading, etc. etc. it calmed me somewhat. but every day i want to get completely shit-faced when i get home so i can forget about the mountain of work i need to get down that night.

i haven't played basketball this month. (i believe i have played twice since school started). too much too do.

what i am realizing is that a) i am not a very organized person, and b) i prefer libations.

there are not a lot of attractive girls at teacher's college. yes. we all know this, because we never really had crushes on our teacher's. sure, there may have been one or two, but some of those along the way were based on the 'best there is, for a teacher anyway'.

this is a sad realization when there are 185 women in a school of 200.

women are not the focus of this blog.

the focus of this blog is me pretending that i'm engaging in some other existence, one in which poeple have time to blog. i am supposed to be planning a lesson for a class i'm teaching on wednesday, but the lesson plan is due for review with my teacher tomorrow.

fuck.

the stress creeps. thoughts of wine or hash creep into my head. at least at least at least this is a long weekend, and i can spend it BLASTED!!! no... wrong word. WORKING was the one i was looking for.

happy thanksgiving, everyone. may you deserve every drop, drag, and drumstick!